Tuesday, November 15, 2005

I think this was written about me.

The except below is from a friend's blog--I'm not telling her that I'm posting this. Exhibitionist? Maybe. I find that when I say things that are completely honest, or that when I write completely honest, I feel that I want to throw up. This doesn't mean that I lie all the time, it just means that often I change what I say in order to appear and be more amiable for those that I am with. If I'm with people I trust, I say what I think--most of the time. I think the times when I'm truly honest and don't feel bad about it is when I'm angry--I get angry a lot, I think because when I was younger and wouldn't let myself feel anger, I became depressed. This is the case for a lot of people. This friend of mine, I saw her scatter for whatever reason, and it was hard for me. It was hard also because I moved away from her.

I am not sure if my anger stems from jealously or rightousness. I tend to think rightousness, as it has been heartily fed by my Women & Gender Studies minor. There's a lot of things to be angry about, frustrated about--what matters is if the anger is productive.

Reading this was hurtful, but it's also good. It gives me a lot to think about.

Dear Anonymous, I've heard from other people that you see me as beautiful,
but that isn't what I pick up from you when we are together. You have been my
mirror, and I feel like I really Have lost something in your eyes. It's been
strange for me seeing you move out of my shadow. Though, that's been happening
consistently since the day we met. You strike me as angry, you've got gall that
I don't. Your future is as mysterious as mine, I can see you gaining strength
and success, but it isn't hard to imagine the opposite, either. I know I've
scared the shit out of you, and I'm sorry... maybe it happened because I trusted
you in the first place. We'll grow more distant, I think, from now on. But I
feel like I am distanced from everyone and everything, anyhow. You are so far
away. And sometimes I think your jealousy ruins you. And your harsh judgements.
I know we'll see each other grow yet.

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