Some of the Same

Yesterday my brother let me come over to do some (free!) laundry. So in the midst of suds and folding I checked out a couple of demos on his 360.

Beautiful Katamari was first. I really like the controller for the 360 and think it’s a vast improvement over both controller models for the original Xbox. But in the context of Katamari, it was a bit awkward to play on a controller where the analog sticks aren’t side by side. I realize I’m being picky—it’s something I’m sure most people won’t have any problems with.

It was also disappointing to see that in Katamari’s third console incarnation that the camera is still wonky. And even though the graphics are bit brighter and a bit shinier, Beautiful Katamari is the same game as the first two. I don’t think online capabilities will do much in revolutionizing the formula either. It’s sure to be some fun, but there’s no way I’d shell out sixty bucks to play a game I essentially already own.

The demo I was truly excited to play was Eternal Sonata. This is the game I’d own a 360 for. Made by Tri-Crescendo (one of the two companies behind the Baten Kaitos games), I expect a ton out of it and its original premise of Chopin having delirious deathbed dreams. It. Is. Gorgeous. The visuals are dreamy and colorful. The music swirls and bends. The battles are fast-paced and genuinely fun. You only have a specific amount of time for your turn, so it’s similar to the Baten Kaitos series except it doesn’t feature cards. (People interested in the game probably already know about the light/dark features of battles as well.)

Yet I was crushed by what I gleaned from the gender roles of Eternal Sonata. The demo features no story, but it’s easy to tell what the prescribed roles are for the three characters that you control. The leader of the group is Allegretto, a pretty boy with a sword. We then have Polka, our cute and weak heroine who heals and whacks foes with an umbrella. Finally, there’s Beat, an eager and adorable young boy with an oversized gun. I love me my JRPGs and am not surprised with the common gender clichés that are often presented. But seriously, I’d like to see more. That said, I don’t know if there will be other characters that might push the gender envelope, but as of this moment, I’m doubting it.

After playing the Eternal Sonata demo, I’m left having to make a compromise that I always have to make. I know that when I do get a 360 down the line, I’ll most likely pick this game up. It has so much else going for it that I know I’ll enjoy, but I’m going to have to end up pushing the gender issues present in the game to the back of my mind. This has happened before with games that I’ve particularly enjoyed--Dragon Quest 8 and Tales of Symphonia, I’m looking at you.

While it’s true that I’m fully capable of enjoying a game despite problematic gender presentations, I’m tired of having to make so many compromises. And I know that I’m not alone—other gamers that are queer, identify as female and aren’t white often have to make the same type of aggravating decision when it comes to choosing a game to play.

Didn't I Already write this post?

I was very excited about Rogue Galaxy when I first heard about it. Level 5 left me in love after Dark Cloud 2 so my hopes were high. However, Rogue Galaxy did not turn out how I envisioned. It falls short of Dark Cloud 2 in gameplay, story, and most importantly: feminist stuff. Dark Cloud 2 did a great job of balancing between its girl and boy characters. Max and Monica were given equal attention in both story and gameplay, thus creating a gender equality which went to defy some game conventions. Monica was fully clothed, (not counting secret cat outfit) and fought with a sword, a rarity in video games. While Max was the brains compared to her brawn, and he fought with a nontraditional weapon, an honor usually assigned to a women. Developer: "Girls can't handle anything as phallic as a sword, we better give her an umbrella."

Because of these and other great elements that seemed to intentionally defy conventional roles, their follow up game seemed to be a sure hit. How wrong I was.

[spoiler warning]

Meet Lilika. The sexualized, exoticised only woman of color within your party, and one of two women out of 8 playable characters. Her origin story isn't much better. Of course the only woman of color in the game has to hail from a "backwards" tribal jungle planet. A planet that the white skinned offworlders end up saving. Jaster and friends expose to the poor savages that the god they worshiped was none other than a vile monster causing many problems in the village. So using the power of an almighty gun, Jaster helps the silly silly savages by killing their god. I've found that Imperialism leaves quite a bad aftertaste.

The character of Lilika is fairly interesting, but how can she be taken seriously while looking the way she does. I mean a tiger skin bra? Really? How can the game itself, nay, all of video games be taken seriously when characters are portrayed in this manner. This is why I get embarrassed to tell people I'm a gamer.

I had a possible ray of hope in acquiring her alternative outfits, but I should have known better. I have to say that giving the only woman of color in the game an outfit called "Royal Servant Clothes" is pretty insulting. On top of that, her bow is pretty worthless in combat. The one saving grace is that she doesn't have bunny ears. Shame on you Level 5, I thought you were better than this.

Paprika: Not just for Deviled Eggs

If you ever watched the A-Team, you might remember the episode where Murdock becomes a chef and keeps asking for paprika. Because of this, it became the funniest and best spice in my mind. Now I have a new reason to love it that blows the A-Team reference out of the water, a feat that I would not have thought possible. The new Sotoshi Kon film, Paprika, was oh so yummy. I was able to see it in the theater this weekend and it was a dream come true. Paprika takes a wonderful, surrealist look into humanity's desires and the collective unconcious, but lacked any of Breton's misogyny.

Almost all of Kon's work, like surrealism, adds the fantastical into a realistic setting. The concept of Paprika allowed him to fully realize this idea. Kon understands the freedom animation allows and creates something truly unique. I found it bizarre how the morphing images and situations of the dreams made as much sense to me as the "real world" scenes of the movie. That dichotomy was questioned, and subsequently became very unstable. This continued with the characters. They straddled the line between being both archetype and fully humans. There were a definite struggle between the characters in achieving the ideal role for their gender or place in the world.

*Spoilers Below*

In Paprika, Kon gives us another strong female protagonist, and in this case, a superhero as well. The character known as Paprika exists to help people deal with their desires and guides them to think outside of archetypal roles. In this way she comes to represent the concept of the "woman of your dreams,"and in the sense of a super hero, she seems to be perfect. However, Paprika and her real life counterpart, Dr. Chiba, struggle with a Clark Kent/Superman relationship throughout the film. Paprika is everything Chiba isn't, which includes being in full control of her life. By the end, Chiba faces this, and the chief issues of film--which also includes many archetypes, such as technology vs. nature--are resolved by the creation of a new order, where the male archetype of aggression and dominance is defeated by the female archetype of growth and peace. Or to speak in other elements, light conquered shadow by consuming it.

There is one disturbing scene that needs to be addressed. Not to spoil too much, but at one point Paprika is captured and is symbolically raped. A colleague tears off her Paprika form and reveals her true identity beneath. Personally, I'm weary of rape scenes, and feel that popular entertainment is too quick to feature it, often without giving thought to the consequences. This was far from my favorite scene in the movie, but I feel the key word is that it is symbolic. By having the act be represented by something else, it leaves the action in the realm of thought, and forces us to think about rape. I'm not saying that this is any less powerful, or less potentially offensive and dangerous. I just feel in this context that the scene was meant for us to look at rape as a tool of the male aggressive, violent, and controlling mind set. It was not glorified or glamorized, but rather focused on the thought behind the act. The character responsible for the act pins Paprika like a butterfly in a room full of pinned butterflies. This speaks of the "male" desire to control and tame, and how patriarchy places women on the same level as an inset, or an animal that is easily manipulated and controlled. He does not think of her as human but as an object that should be displayed. The archetypal male mind set is further explored when Paprika is rescued by another colleague that is in the process of dreaming about being a male action hero. To him, Paprika is a precious commodity that needs his protection. His view of her is still in the same vein as the rapist's--she is still an object, the two men just disagree on her use. His parody is complete when he take Paprika to the ending scene of his dream that is complete with him posing before the setting sun, as he, the quintessential hero, cradles her in one arm and a smoking gun in the other. He then proceeds to claim his prize by kissing her as she droops unconsciously. This was received by a "how dare you" slap on the face, and the scene ends. After this interlude, Paprika reclaims the movie. Overall, it was a scene that I would have been happier without, no one likes to see a superhero, specifically female superheros, debased in such a way. However, I also don't think the scene was there for shock value or as a form of punishment, which are some of the reasons why rape scenes are told in popular entertainment. Rather, I feel it's purpose was as a tool of discussion. The way that it was produced confirms that. It forces us to confront the mind set that causes rape, and that is one of the first steps in preventing rape.

A Response to Virtual Rape in Games

A couple of weeks back I came across a post from Bonnie over at Heroine Sheik. Bonnie’s great—she writes intriguing feminist articles about video games and is all about promoting acceptance and tolerance for all things sexy, wacky and weird. Yet I just couldn’t get on board with this post.

An excerpt:

It’s an interesting debate, especially since we don’t often run across games that let us rape (exceptions that come to mind include Sociolotron and Custer’s Revenge) and since we were just talking about virtual rape (raping another player, as opposed to a character). Still, drawing a link between game rape and real-life rape is like drawing a link between game violence and real-life violence, and we all know how we feel about that. Thumbs down.

I do understand where she’s coming from—we brandish swords, guns and fists, strategize war tatics and take down the bad guys in virtual worlds, yet these actions don’t translate to real and everyday life. We’re not going to beat up our boss or take out the President in the name of social justice. And I’m never going to say that the guy down the street playing H-games will someday rape. But there’s something about virtual rape that I don’t think can be shoved aside for the sake of fantasy. Virtual rape games are a symptom of our society, where women are systematically devalued and rape isn’t about sex but about power and privilege.

BetaCandy writes about some of the issues that come from rape in fictional settings in her post Inherent problems in writing rape storylines:

With rape, however, we don't have a cultural consensus that "forced sex" is always wrong. A lot of people don't fully comprehend what constitutes rape or consent. A lot of people still think it can't be rape if the rapist is known to the victim. A lot of people still think women can owe men sex, and men are entitled to take the sex they've earned if it's not forthcoming. And they apply this thinking in their daily lives. To women they know. To victims when they serve on juries (or as judges). To themselves, when they internalize the blame for violations others visited upon them.

To just say that virtual rape in hentai games is sexual fantasy in pixilated form is to ignore a whole heap of troublesome and problematic issues. Rape in H-games is not real rape, but it is representative of our misogynistic culture that hurts real live women everyday.

Check Out Cerise #1

I've always wanted there to be a feminist gaming zine and now there is one. The first issue of Cerise is up today. The editors have done a terrific job putting it together, so make sure you take some time to check it out.

I'm also pleased to say that an article of mine is published in this issue--it appears alongside some other great pieces that look at how gender and games intersect.

Reuters Ignores Women Gamers, Plus Geek Girl Stereotype Bingo

In a piece of enlightened journalism, Reuters blames video game accessories for strained romantic relationships between men and women. The article, as is expected, thoroughly stereotypes women and their relationships with gamer guys. At least Brenda Brathwaite is featured in the second half of the article--for the sake of balance I suppose. However, it isn't enough to shake the heterosexual-infused, women-are-weary-of-video-games attitude of the article. Therefore, I've decided that this article could benefit from a treatment of tekanji's "Geek Girl" Stereotype Bingo:

Relationships mentioned as being important to women: This is the main point of the article. As the first sentence says, "enter the video game accessory as date killer".

Mentions shopping or accessories: Yep. The equivalent to video games and accessories are... shoes.

"Social" as being attractive to women: The end of the article speaks to double dates and games. Also games can "serve as a his-and-hers social elixir."

Women are seen as "casual" / non-serious users: I would argue that the description of Guitar Hero as a game that "encourages friends to duel against each other as spectators cheer them on" and therefore women enjoy it, is an attempt to make it seem casual.

Let's see, 4 out of 9 squares. I say we have a bingo.

Via Joystiq.

The Second Half of My Adventures with a Purple Prophecy

As promised, the second half of my impressions of Indigo Prophecy:

III. Game Play Issues

I feel I’m pretty close to beating the game. I got that things are wrapping up feeling from the tone of the story. With all my other work, I haven’t spent too much time with it, so I’m a little surprised. The formula is still keeping me interested, although I have to complain about the lame “action” scenes. All that they consist of is moving the analogue sticks in the right directions in the right order, a la Simon Says. At first I didn’t mind so much, but after the twentieth time I’ve done this now, it’s getting a little flat. The actions totally remove me from the experience. It feels tacked on, like the developers thought they had to have the players do something during the cut scenes. What has happened is that I can barely focus on the over the top action at all. I’m to worried about what direction the light is flashing. Though maybe it’s for the best, because the action scenes go on for way to long and the content of them just seems so out of place. Why does he need superpowers? Is that really how you validate your “movie game,” cloning the Matrix? My hopes for the game to be more mystery than action movie are fading fast. I guess I just have to wait to see how it all turns out.

IV. The Ending, Rife with Spoilers

Indigo Prophecy has easily the worst ending to a video game that I have ever played. The extent of the failure was accentuated by my enjoyment of the game up until my last post. The ending however was so terrible, it makes me question any positive feelings I have for the game. The first element of the game that fell through was the narrative. It became incohesive and introduced bizarre plot twists. The plot twists included, but were not limited to, a race of AI beings that existed on the internet that were trying to kill you. The whole superpower and sci-fi thing was getting out of hand, but by the end it overshadowed any interesting character developments that were formed previously. The end opted to focus on uncontrollable action scenes to finish out the story, instead of offering any real resolutions to the problems of the characters. The writer obviously did not go into this game with any real message, philosophy, or social plight he wanted to reveal or discuss. I wouldn’t mind this in Street Fighter, but in a game that was meant to redefine video game narratives it’s pretty sad. I just wonder why he didn’t just make a traditional action game. The fantastical elements seemed to be a gimmick, and reminded me of the reading that discussed immersion. The extent of the fantasy seemed out of place in the world that was presented through most of the game. At least, the parts that were more real world were much more interesting, so I identified with them. I felt alienated when the game shifted away from the detective story formula that I had grown attached to.

The worst part of the ending was the complete destruction of my favorite character in the game. Carla, the detective who was chasing Lucas, underwent a character shift that had no basis in what was previously understood about her character. As the world is being covered in an ice age, (which is never fully explained) she decides to sleep with the DEAD version of Lucas. Lucas died, and the AI internet people brought him back to life, but his body was still technically dead. Carla made multiple references about how cold his skin was, as if he was dead. Then she sleeps with him, and falls in love with him with no real motivation other than the fact that he is the main character of the game that I’m playing. This act does not match the character that was presented before hand. There was nothing suggesting her feelings for Lucas. Carla abandons her job and playability in the game as soon as she finds the right man to hide behind. She is demoted to nothing more than the love interest. The ending movie pushes her farther down the respectable character ladder by making her ultimate purpose in the grand scheme to give birth to Lucus’ super baby. No matter what ending you get, Carla is pregnant. This interesting, well developed character was turned into nothing more than a womb.

My Adventures With a Purple Prophecy

In order to breathe some life back into this blog, I thought I'd put up some posts that I wrote up for my Games and Culture class. Before I jump in I want to give a nod to some other blog posts out there that do a great job looking at Indigo Prophecy: Pat Miller's Indigo Prophecy Reinforces White Male Supremacy Part 1 and Part 2, and tekanji's Introduction [Gender in Indigo Prophecy Part 1] and What's in a character, anyway? [Gender in Indigo Prophecy Part 2].
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I. Beginning Impressions

Indigo Prophecy, why not? I heard interesting things about it, and thought this would be a good opportunity to get me to play it, and experience this so called “movie game.” I must say that this game is pretty full of itself. It loves the fact that it’s “different,” to the extent that the creator not only wrote an editorial in the manual explaining it’s greatness, but put himself into the game. In the tutorial, there is a polygon representation of David Cage the writer and director, explaining the controls, what you can expect, and how you will love it. I can’t think of any other examples of this kind of intrusion into the game space by the developers. It had the feeling of an AMC or Turner Classic Movie introduction, with a old white dude telling you the history and how great this movie your about to watch is. It definitely added a strange kind of validity to the game, but I still think the game is full of itself. I’ve always been of the mind that a piece of art should speak for itself. You don’t need to goad me into liking this game, I will or I won’t. And in all reality, it’s not that different from your standard point and click game on the PC, it’s been done before.

Now the content of the game is pretty original. It seems like I will be playing two sides of a murder story: from both the killer’s perspective (who is kind of innocent), and the police. I really like the set up, and love how I first had to escape the seen of the crime, and then investigate it as the cops. It’s like my loyalties are split, I have to succeed as both opposing forces. It’s really interesting, and makes me care a lot about the characters and what’s going on. I get all the perspectives of the story and then can relate to all the characters. And I just have to say how brilliant it was to start the game with, “you have to cover up your crime and escape.” It really brought the learning curve of the game into part of the experience. I was frantic to clean up the evidence and escape while trying to learn the controls. I was as panicked as the character. We both had no idea what was going on. There were multiple options and methods, and I had to decided which would best help me in the situation. It was a unique emotional experience. Then I got to examine all the actions I chose when I played as the cops. I found the clues that I left before, and question the witnesses that saw me escape. Fun!

II. Representations of Race and Gender

I want to look at how Indigo Prophecy handles representations of race and gender. Out of the three playable characters so far (in order of appearance), one is a white man named Lucas, one is a Latina female detective Carla, and third is her partner, an African American man, Tyler. This list represents the order of playing–Lucas, the white guy, started off the bunch. This fact, along with the box cover, and that the story centers around his initial act of murder, leads me to take him as the main character of the story. However, the time spent playing as him is just as equal to the other two characters. So even though the main character is a pretty typical example of what to find in video games, more time in the game is spent between the two characters of color, one of whom is a woman. The game allows you to chose which character you want to play as during a certain episode in the overall story. You have to play all three eventually, but the player is given the option to chose which view of events they want to see first. Most importantly, each character has been fully developed in their own right. I know just as much about the detectives’ lives, personalities, fears, and loves as I do Lucas. At this point, the game is very egalitarian, and achieves this with very little effort. They just write all the characters as people, and not some stereotype. My favorite part of the game so far has been the ability to walk around the character’s apartments. You really get an insight into their personalities by looking through their stuff, and how it is arranged.

This is also the location of my two snafus that I found in the gender and race department. This one’s up for debate, but Tyler’s apartment really pushed the whole “this character’s black” vibe. His walls were painted like something out of 70’s. The furniture was also all poofy and loud, with a dome chair, furry TV, and a record player. It isn’t terribly damning of the game, but it just didn’t seem to fit with his personality that much, and screamed “black man’s funky apartment” to me. I think it detracted from the great, complex character development, and that it represents the only real indication that the game gave that “this character is black,” besides his skin tone. Compare that to other games (*cough* Gears of War *cough*) that love to remind you at every opportunity possible that a character is black, and therefore must act much differently than white people, Indigo Prophecy does a pretty good for a game.

There was also an instance in which the game reminded everyone that Carla is a woman, and that, yes, women are sex objects, regardless of how good of a detective she may be. The game determined that the best way to do this was put their super cop in the shower. One of her episodes started in the shower and gave a clear view of her nipple-less breasts. Afterwards, the game awarded the male gaze with overly revealing panties and tank top–which you did get to cover up at any time by getting dressed–but regardless you got an eyeful. There were options to take showers as the other two characters, but none of their “private” areas were exposed and the resulting underwear covered much more, and was much more realistic in what those characters would wear. Why would a woman who is obsessed with her job, and has no love life wear sexy undies? Unfortunately, there was no equivalent, no brief bulge, programmed into the game. This incident was quick and the only attempt to make her sexy so far. Though, again, it stood out from a great and complex character, belittling her in a way.

Overall, this games really seems to make an effort in treating all of it’s characters with respect. Despite a few classic instances of the white and male gaze, the game so far allows the player to view life from perspectives not normally given in video games.

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Tomorrow I'll post the rest of my observations of the game. I'll mainly discuss game play and my thoughts of how the game wrapped up.

Meme: Video Game Covers I Want to See

I interrupt the silence on this blog in order to bring you the question of the hour, as asked by Brand over at Yudhishthira’s Dice:

Ladies, what RPG covers (or interiors) have you seen that involve a woman in the
art that make you say, “I want to play that” or, just as good “I want to play
her.” Or that make you feel like it is a game you could like, or be included in
by a group of guys you’d never met and whose maturity you didn’t necessarily
know?

Tekanji decided that this was a great topic for a meme and I agree. The rules:

1.Copy the text of the original challenge from Yudhishthira’s Dice and give a proper link attribution.
2.Copy these rules exactly (including any links).
3.Find images of game covers (interiors are okay, too) that make you want to play the game. Any kind of game — video game, card game, tabletop RPG, etc — is fine. Post them and include a short (or long) explanation on why the image makes/made you want to play the game.
4. The original challenge is about finding out what women think about how game art is marketed and therefore it is targeted at women. I’d like to keep it that way, please.
5.You can tag as many or as few people as you want. You do not need to be tagged to participate in the meme.
6.When you make your post, please post the link on this thread so we can all see what others have said.

First on my list is the cover for the Sega CD version of Lunar: The Silver Star. This was the RPG that made a gamer out of me. While it doesn't score high as far as gender issues go in regards to the content (small town boy saves amnesia-stricken goddess) the story was engaging and addictive. What initially drew me to the cover was the striking character designs. Though the evil Magic Emperor dominates the frame of the image and literally holds the fate of Lunar in his heads, Luna--though hovering slightly behind Alex--is dead center. She has a sly smile on her face that is indicative of her role in the game. Even though she's the girl you get in the end, she isn't passive. Rather, she's capable of great power and has a knack of rallying people behind her, as she did with the other young girls who were captured. I also enjoy that I'm able to see much of the supporting cast of Lunar, for it provided anticipation as to who I was going to meet during my journey.

Next is another RPG, Xenosaga II. Though the second game of the Xenosaga trilogy may not be considered the greatest, the cover sure is. Kos-Mos dominates this cover (as she does in the first and third) yet she is not diminutive or sexualized. On the second game's cover, we are given the profile of Kos-Mos and the faces of some of the other important characters of the game. (Though, woefully, Momo is missing.) Kos-Mos is larger than life, staring blankly off into space. This speaks to her importance but also to the questions that her existence brings to mind. We know by this point that Kos-Mos is more than just a tool, but we are also wondering as to who she directly serves--Shion or someone evil?

Third is the cover of Silent Hill 3. Silent Hill 3 was my first hesitant venture into the Silent Hill universe, and it was Heather who guided me there. When I saw this cover at Gamestop I was struck by the amount of emotion that was held in her face. Namely that it seemed to ask "What the hell am I doing here?"--a feeling I've encountered more than once in my life. I felt that I could relate to the young woman on the cover, and that feeling carried me on through the game.

Next is the cartoony and cluttered cover of Dark Cloud 2. Max poses confidently with his wrench, while Monica is leaping into action, sword hoisted above her shoulder. While I'm not too fond of Monica being positioned behind Max, I'm glad that she's captured in an action shot. Monica's the warrior out of the two kids and from this cover that's obvious.

The last cover that I'm choosing to highlight is from a game I've never played: Digital Devil Saga 2. In fact, I haven't played any of the games from this series, though I desperately want to. I've seen other character designs and know that they come off as pretty androgynous, something I always like to see. On this cover, I've deduced that the character who is being framed by a funky monster is a woman. She stares out, sullen, her left hand a fist, her right arm transforming into something other-worldly. She looks tough, like someone not to be messed with, despite her short stature. She looks like a character I'd like to kick some ass with.

From these examples, it seems apparent to me that I prefer covers that relate to the plot and characteristics of the game. I often enjoy when many characters are included, for they add an element of foreshadowing. I also favor covers that convey a strong feeling, such as tension (like with Digital Devil Saga or Silent Hill 3) or mystery (Lunar and Xenosaga II). Sexualization of a character on the cover of a video game for the sake of nothing else but turning a profit will turn me away. I want covers that are thought out, striking and pertinent to the game at hand.

I tag: Brinstar, Amy, and Guilded Lily.

Harassment Fiasco

I'm in the home stretch, just a couple of days away from graduating. That said, my job at the college will be finished this week as well. I feel conflicted about this: I'm losing my steady paycheck and I'll be leaving behind some great coworkers. However, I feel good about leaving: perhaps my job search will yield a job with better pay (though it should be easy to beat the pay of a student worker) and because I'll be leaving the place where I was sexually harassed.

Like anyone, there's a few things in my life that are hard for me to admit, and most of them seem to stem in some way from sex. Two of the biggies are admitting that I was in an abusive relationship, the other is that I was harassed at work.

I'm willing to write about this because my job ends Friday, but I've been inspired by this post about sexual harassment over at Occasional Superheroine. An excerpt:

I feel the person who has gone through this or other traumas definitely has the right to tell her (or his) story -- that it's part of the healing process and provides people going through similar situations with perspective & hope. Further, I think the topic of sexual harassment itself should be debated and examined thoroughly on message boards and forums everywhere.

But one thing that gets lost in the internet debate and gossip is just how goddamn sad sexual harassment situations are for everybody involved. They're fucking sad. There are no winners and losers. Everybody is a loser. Feelings on both sides are filled with agony and resentment and hurt. You have one side saying "nothing happened and you're liar" and the other side saying "I'm really really hurt" and it's like Iraq, there's no immediate clean way to resolve it. And then you have people caught in the middle who are pressured to take sides and it's shitty for them too.

My situation was (unsurprisingly) tortuous. Because my job is the same as where I attend school (I work in the department of my major) I had no way to get away from him. And, like a lot of harassment stories, my situation was not cut and dry. It's not like he touched me--it had more to do with comments he said under his breath or how he would come stand by me, his body almost touching mine. It was the manner in which he looked at me, and how I would see him staring at me while I was having lunch with my partner. It was long and drawn out and I didn't know how to tell him how he made me feel. I couldn't find the voice to tell him to stop. Eventually, I found the courage to go to my boss and make a report. What resulted was an awkward bureaucratic hell that consisted of embarrassing interviews and meetings that were full of difficult decisions. In the end I was told that I'd have to meet with him, along with Human Resources and the department chair for a mediation if I wanted to make a proper complaint. I couldn't go through with it--I was too terrified.

I regret it. Because I failed to commit to the mediation, my complaint was never officially filed. It was as if my tentative steps to make him stop never happened. My boss took care to not schedule my hours when he was working, which did help. However, I still saw him in the hallway or around campus. The lack of closure isn't what I necessarily regret. What has made the situation worse is that once he did stop harassing me, he went after a co-worker, a good friend, of mine. I make him sound cruel and calculating, but I honestly think that he didn't know that he was doing anything wrong. My co-worker, knowing what I had gone through with him, filed a complaint immediately. I admire the hell out of her. She went to meeting after meeting and never backed down, even though the chair of the department expressed to her his opinion that she was making a big deal out of nothing. The kicker in the end was that the professor was only given a warning after her formal complaint went through. I found out from my boss that he would have received a harsher punishment if I had went through with my complaint.

This semester I haven't had to deal with the professor because he's on sick leave for cancer. I think it's unfortunate that he has to struggle though an awful disease, but I'm relieved that I haven't had to work with him now or ever again. For all of my relief, I still feel unresolved about the situation and I still feel ashamed--as though I'm making a big deal out of nothing--whenever I talk about. I do hope that if I ever find myself in a similar predicament, I'll be quicker to stand up for myself.

It's hard for me to look at sexual harassment rationally since I still feel hurt. But I do think this: if my work wasn't so entrenched in hierarchies, maybe it wouldn't have happened. I know it surely wouldn't have happened if the professor would see women as people rather than sex objects.

Some Mii Suggestions

I've been able to spend a few weeks lovingly and obsessively creating Miis that represent me, my family and Robotech characters. It's a blast, but I have a few suggestions:

1) Picking a gender for your Mii shouldn't be mandatory. I understand why its there-- we're always asked what our gender is, from surveys to signing up for MSN Messenger. The Mii Channel uses it so that when a gender is chosen the haircuts that show up first correspond with whatever gender you chose. But what if you want to create an androgynous Mii (which is surprisingly easy to do) and you don't want to identify the Mii as male or female? It's unnecessary.

2) Haircuts should be organized by length instead of gender. Other categories, such as lips and eyes aren’t separated, so why is hair length? There aren't any restrictions in regards to choosing a feminine haircut for a male Mii anyway (which is awesome), so the distinction seems arbitrary. Having the hairstyles grouped by length would make customizing easier.

3) There should be more control over body type. I keep on running into this problem—I wanted to give the Mii that's supposed to look like me some hips, but I couldn't. Similarly, when I was trying to make an animorphic representation of my overweight cat, I couldn't make him look fat enough. Rats.

4) Untraditional hair colors need to be included. I know I'm not the only one out there who likes pink hair. And what about making a Mii that looks like Max Sterling? Only blue will do. Actually, a whole color wheel or spectrum should be included so that there are more hues for skin color and more choices for the color of clothing.

I'm thinking that a lot these issues could be remedied by an update. So what do you say, Nintendo?

Game Rag for Women

According to GameSpot, there's going to be a new video game magazine launched in Germany:

The publisher describes the magazine, aimed at female gamers, as "fresh,
bold, upbeat, and feminine."

While I'm glad that female gamers are being acknowledged, I don't think the answer is to have a videovgame-themed magazine that'll tote the same tired gender stereotypes that plague most magazines that are aimed towards women and girls. Though it wasn't mentioned in the GameSpot article, I can see it now--a review of Jeanne D'Arc for the PSP on one page; facing it, an ad for make up.

While I do think there is a place for magazines that are dedicated to a female audience (I've often toyed with the idea of starting up my own little zine for feminist reviews of games) I can't help but wish there could be an effort made in the current video game publications to be more inclusive of a diverse audience. I know that if such a publication existed, I'd drop the money for a subscription immediately.

I don't even wear any.

Today at work I was busily utilizing all the specialized electronics cleaner to shine up the apple of my eye (i.e. my ds lite) when a professor approached me and asked if I was cleaning my makeup case.

Needless to say, I died a bit inside.

I found out something weird this weekend.

I found out Saturday night that I have some natural talent when it comes to playing Dead or Alive 2. A fighting game that's famous for breast-jiggling physics and I'm actually kind of good at it. After failing at all other fighting games.

The irony is not lost on me.

Edit: I just wanted to share some thing about the night in which I played DOA2: I was at a party, and we had already exhausted Mario Party and Mario Kart and needed a new four-player game. Thus, DOA2 was brought out and the XBox controllers were dusted off (both the game and the XBox were donated to my apartment by an estranged brother). The whole time playing it--with a few guys--not one sexist comment was made. After struggling in the past with playing games with guys, it was an unforgettable experience in which I felt truly a part of the gaming community.

Pageant Hid as Revolution: Miss Video Game 2007

Looky what I came across when sifting through my bloglines for Jade Reporting:

Be Miss Video Game

Requirements:

1. Must have Personality

2. Must be a female? (No wigs and makeup guys)

3. Doesn't mind Video Games :P

4. Loves the beach

Here's their mission statement:

We are on a Mission

To assist in the proliferation of females in gaming genres of all types and to help raise awareness of the female gaming audience among game publishers and advertisers. To make the gaming industry take women gamers seriously and to treat them with respect as equals.

Goals
-To showcase female gaming talent and the amazing variety among female gamers.
-To create a positive role model for young girls who enjoy playing video games.
-To break the stereotype that gaming is a male dominated industry.
-To have a good time in a fair and friendly environment.

Miss Video Game was created in order to showcase female gaming talent and
marketable female gamers to gaming publishers and industry decision-makers as well as the gaming community as a whole. We're here to put female gamers on the
map and to get them taken seriously (and also to send some lucky female gamers
to Cabo ;-).

Ladies - join up now, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain. This could be the start of a great career in gaming or promotions. Even if you don't know anything about video games sign up and learn - that's what this is all about, spreading gaming to women around the globe!!!

So let's see if I get this straight: an ageist, sexist, and homophobic contest created to spread the word about women and video games, omigod! While I agree with all of their goals, I can't get on board with their method--a beach-loving, conventionally beautiful babe can't be a representative for the "amazing variety among female gamers." She sure won't represent me.

4 Color Rebellion Links to Porn and Misses Point Entirely (or Porn is not Art)

I like blogs and I like video games. I like to look at video game blogs. I liked to visit 4 color Rebellion: Nintendo-focused, good writing, and they're respectful of their readers. So why did they link to Nerdcore's new calendar? Oh, because they love and respect women.

I was pissed (as were others.) I angrily wrote in the comments:

Long time lurker [here,] just [want] to say this: it can be really discouraging being a woman gamer, and even more discouraging trying to find a blog that publishes pertinent news about video games (re: I don't have to shift through all the sexist crap.) Porn, yeah, fine, it's out there. But really, 4cr was a safe haven for someone
like me, who likes to think that maybe one day women can be thought of as gamers
instead of just wank material.

Nick, from who the post originated, had this to say as a reply:

I knew when I posted this that some would find it offensive. But if you want to see the reasoning behind it, scroll up and read Gregs comment. Amen.

Greg's comment was along the lines of 1) Porn is part of geek culture 2) Just ignore it if it offends you 3) We at 4cr love women! We have relationships with them! 4)What we really need to be concerned about is if children see it. Okay. Well, 1) You can write about porn in geek culture, by all means, but it can be done in a respectful (non-sexist) manner. 2) I'm sick and tired of having to ignore sexist crap on video game blogs just because I'm not a heterosexual guy. 3) Having relationships with women doesn't inoculate you against being sexistst and 4) I'm glad you care more about the other demographics on your blog more than the women gamers who frequent it.

As far as women...… I love women. And I don't mean that in a sexist way. I was raised by my mom, all by herself and I have the utmost respect for women. My ex-girlfriend of 7 years was also very concerned with women's rights and their role in society. I was right there beside her and agree 100% that women deserve better. I understand the hardships women have to face. Yet do I find strippers offensive? No. I know quite a few girls who used to be strippers and these girls know very well what they are doing. Some of them are very savvy and if they can use their bodies to influence people or make a living, they will.

Oh, okay. You, with all of your male privilege in it's undying glory, understand the hardships women face. There is so much wrong with the above paragraph--I don't think I need to touch it with a ten foot pole. It speaks for itself.

That said, I also love the female figure as a work of art. As a fine art painter, all I paint is the human form. Both female and males are beautiful creatures that continually fascinate me.And then of course, I have to admit, I do like sex and sexy women. I've spent time in Italy and my view on nudity is closer to theirs than our generally uptight and overprotective stance here in the US. I believe that people just need to relax and understand the role of sex in society. That's not to say we should abuse it, but it is there and always will be. And of course, sex sells.

Note to self, as informed by Nick: If I hate seeing women objectified, I'm a prude. Also, there are no prudes in Italy. And art is free from objectification.

So, yes, I apologize if I offended anyone, but at the same time, I wont apologize for posting this.In fact, my biggest concern with posting this was that in some way it might cause 4cr to get blocked for people at work. Now that would be a real problem.

Translation: Don't get your undies in a bundle. By the way, your issue is nothing compared to inconveniencing the other straight guys when they can't check our blog at work.

My reply, and probably last comment:

Nick, I'm glad you're a heterosexual guy, I really am. I just felt sick about being reminded, yet again, that women are the sex class. Objectification is objectification.

Bodies the Size of Zero

I was scrolling through Feministing the other day when the post Doing the Unthinkable! caught my eye. While the point of the article is extremely interesting, I want to focus more on this comment made by Samhita:

Furthermore, how come nobody has mentioned the fact that a size 0 means it
doesn't exist. Zero means nothing or that it is not there, so in a way it is
like the metaphorical erasure of women, as though they don't exist or that they
don't take up any space. Just a thought.

A lot of the commenters, who are size 0 themselves, took offense to this. They thought Samhita was saying that they don't exist, or thought that she was bashing them to be size 0.

I hadn't noticed until fairly recently that clothing stores have been changing their sizes so that a larger size is size zero. Some of my friends were happy about this, telling me how they now could feel better about their bodies when trying to find a pair of pants. I don't see it this way. I feel that the sizing of clothes is arbitrary: I never know from store to store what size to look for, it's always grab at least three different sizes and head to the changing room. The new move for size zero, I'm sure, is a way for clothing stores to boost the self-esteem of their clientele so that they buy more clothes--the beauty of capitalism. I can't help thinking, and what Samhita was hitting on in her post, is that in our patriarchal society, being thin is best because when you're small you don't take up space or impose. We are taught to want to be small, petite, skinny because it's beautiful and healthy. There's a lot of different facts out there that can be conjured up that say that bodies that aren't thin are unhealthy and lazy. Our ideas of what is thin and what is obese has become dangerously skewed, for bodies that are perfectly healthy yet larger than what is acceptable have been called obese.

I've struggled particularly with that. My body isn't the same as it was when I was 18: I've put on weight, there's mounds where there were angles. I eat healthy, I exercise every day, and damnit, I should be happy with my body, because it's at place where it wants to be. Yet, that's hardly ever the case, I've internalized the beauty myth, and it's come to the point where I wonder if the yoga I do is for the health of my body or if it's to slim down, tone, or decrease in size. I want to be petite, I want to look like Buffy.

The new size zero wasn't implemented so that women are easier on our bodies, it was put into to place so that we buy new clothes. Whatever. The fashion industry will always be our friend and enemy. Samhita wasn't criticizing anyone for being a size 0, she was just trying to talk about the societal baggage that comes with the size. What I hope to do is to accept my body as it wants to be, and to accept all the different sizes that women are: it's not easy when anyone is seen as too skinny or too overweight.

Price gouging, or anything else for that matter, does not equal rape

You know what I absolutely hate? When fans use the word rape as an analogy.

For example this comment (found in this comment thread):

Pfft, after the catastrophe that was the Nintendo Wii Europe Event followed
of course by the news that the Wii is not region free, I wen't in a matter of
days from being an avid Wii fanboy to completely and utterly disinterested.I
also know that I am not alone in this. Many, especially Europeans, are just sick
of the rape. I mean, at £133 for GameCube technology + some sensors, even Japan is getting extorted.

There's a sickening amount of privilege being exercised when someone can throw out a comment like this.

Too many times I come across it. And it's random. It's comments like that, the comments that completely trivialize rape, that make me want to leave my fandom behind, never click on my internet browser icon, throw the computer out the window.

It's rape. It's a hate crime. It's serious. Don't use it while in a fit of melodrama.

Face, Flyers and Comics

First, before I talk about Wizard World, I want to direct your attention over to New Game Plus. Lake Desire’s put up the third edition of the Carnival of Feminist Science Fiction and Fantasy Fans. It’s not to be missed!

The Flyers

Mid morning, Shions_Glasses and I met up with Dan Jacobson (who really is an incredibly sweet guy). We chatted, and then took to the convention floor with an important mission: handing out Girl-Wonder.org flyers to the comic book masses.

In the past I’ve distributed flyers for various causes before, not to mention that last year I was responsible for giving out condoms on my college campus. It’s always been a bit nerve wracking for me, as I’m not the most outgoing person. But it was different at Wizard World. While I did have to initially muster up the courage so that I was able to approach strangers with a certain amount of confidence, I found that once I started, I couldn’t stop. Our plan of attack was to hit the major exhibitors booths, like Wizard, Marvel and DC, and work our way back to Artist Alley. This included slipping flyer’s randomly in Dark Horse bags, and sliding others into hardcover Frank Cho nudie books. I placed some at the wrestling ring’s booth, and others at booths that were seemingly empty. (Which is how some were placed at Peter David’s booth.) Shions_Glasses and Dan focused more on the fanboys, while I handed out flyers mainly to the fangirls. Nearly everyone was incredibly nice, even supportive, and it was awesome to see many of the women in Artist Alley get excited when I explained Girl Wonder’s mission. My absolute favorite moment was when Shion gave a flyer to Greg Land. Think he’ll visit the site?

Because we received such a great reception, I truly think it’d be worthwhile for Girl Wonder to have it's own booth at Wizard World next year. I’d be all over volunteering to sit at it.

The Well-Known

One of the best parts of Wizard World is seeing those that you admire. While resting by the Snackoteria, we saw none other than Dirk Benedict, aka Face from the A-Team (or you know, Lt. Starbuck in Battlestar Galactica). Shions_Glasses took pictures of him ordering popcorn, but alas, I accidentally erased them. (Sadly, I lost all my pictures from Wizard World). Shion also ran up to shake his hand—I hear he’s a nice a guy.

David Mack had his own booth at Wizard World--just like last year--which he tirelessly manned on his own. I’m a huge fan of his work, and whenever I’ve gone up to talk to him I become hopelessly tongue-tied. No matter; just like last year, he patiently listened to me stumbled over my words, gave me a deal on a couple of his books, and then presented to me, after I gave him a Girl Wonder flyer, a beautiful print which he gave to me for free. A day later and I’m still swooning.

The Loot

I pretty much bought all the comics that were on my list:
--All issues of Catwoman that were penned by Will Pfeifer that I didn’t already have
--The second TPB of She-Hulk from Dan Slott’s first run
--The third TPB of Gotham Central
--The first TPB of Batgirl: Year One
--The first volume of the Revolutionary Girl Utena manga

Not to mention that I learned how the play the Pokemon card game, and loved every second of it.

Ja, mata.

Late tomorrow, Shions_Glasses and I are leaving for Japan, and will be gone for three weeks. I’m not sure the next time I’ll be able to post, but I’ll try to keep things updated here as much as possible. ::Blows internet kiss:: See you around!

Masculinity, Nerds and Me

In one way or another, I found myself in the company of a bunch of fanboys this past weekend. At first, I was thrilled. What new games would I play? (Super Mario Strikers) What comics would I be able to pick up and read for free on the sly? (JLA #0)

And at first, it was good. I felt accepted. I held my own in Strikers even though it was my first time playing. I got to talk about Catwoman and Chris Bachelo. Nerd talk uninhibited.

But then, unexpectedly, it started. Faggot. Pussy this, pussy that. Vagina this, slut that. Dumbfounded and silent, I held my tongue. Sat rigidly on the couch, smoothed out my skirt, buried my face in a comic.

It was naive of me not to expect this. And I thought that I’d be prepared for this situation, where talk turns sour and everything becomes an insult. The amount of sexism and homophobia was staggering. I thought I’d be able to make some quick witty comebacks (filled with insightful knowledge) that would enlighten or at least make them shut up. After all the theory I’ve studied. Everything I’ve written on this blog, everything I’ve read on other’s blogs. You’d think I’d be able to come up with something. The only time that I was able to say anything was when one of the guys asked if I was looking at my own boobs. I shot him down so quickly and defensively that I surprised myself. I shocked him, and I’m sure the group was happy when I left—I was the bitch who ruined all the fun.

I first I felt exasperated. Do these guys represent the majority of the fan community that I want to be a part of? I mean, I desperately want to be part of some sort of group of people who share the same interests as I. But can that even occur because I’m a woman? At Wizard World I’ll be handing out flyers for girl-wonder.org as a way to be proactive, as an attempt to further create a space for women in geekdom. Yet, after my intensive nerd run-in, passing out flyers doesn’t seem to be good enough. Writing in this blog doesn’t seem to be good enough.

As a few days have now passed and my hopelessness has ceded a bit. I’ve been thinking and thinking about the whole situation and managed to come up with this: the guys I was around were taking part in a form of alternative masculinity. They’ve suffered the consequences of not being traditionally masculine: they’re not rich, they don’t have tight bodies or physical prowess. A way for them to prove their masculinity is through wins and game scores, and extensive comic book knowledge. Another way is verbal; by using sexist and homophobic slurs, masculinity can be proved by effeminizing their peers.

I’m not interested in games, comics, anime, what have you, in order to prove anything. My interest is that I simply like them. I think the guys I came in contact with initially started out the same way, but found that as they grew older and had their masculinity questioned, they had to use their hobbies as a way to prove themselves. I, as a geek girl, stand in direct opposition to that, which is why I failed, after the first couple of hours, to find a common ground with them.